Instead of Waiting

She waits for the Sun to rise

before she begins her day

One day the Sun said “I’ll be late”

So she sat there in utter darkness

for hours…

for days…

because how late is late?

tired of waiting, she lights a candle

And learned to not give a shit when the Sun finally decided to come

I don't believe in soul mates...

I don't believe in soul mates.

I don't believe in one true loves. But I spend all my time writing stories of characters who have someone there for them.

Relentlessly there for them.

A crutch to lean on. A hand to hold. I spend all day writing characters worth dying for. Writing bonds that can't be broken.

Since I was young, it’s all I've ever wanted. But now, I don't believe in soul mates. Or one true loves. So I'll lay in the dream-like fog of my brain, and create a place where I can believe.

- Audio


Thank you for the first submission. It’s funny how I believed that once I found a special someone to share my life with in a way I would be “saved”. I’d no longer feel lonely nor unhappy because there’d be someone there for me. But now that I actually have found someone I’ve realized what a fantasy that is. Sometimes I’ve never been more alone in my life. No one can save us but ourselves.

You always hurt me...

You always hurt me
Whether or not you wanted to

You always make me feel lonely
Whether or not you meant to

I’m not the only one
who calls out your name
You choose to answer them
because I’m close to you

I’ll always be here. I’ll always be waiting
here

Until one day I’m not

Will you then realize that every minute

every second

we had together

was precious?

loving you is unavoidable (AP 11.22.18)

Today, a man told me “Don’t be afraid of love, you have to take the risk of getting hurt if you want to fall in love. If you grow too comfortable avoiding that fear, decades will go by, and you may have missed the person you were supposed to be with.” Against my will, against my best sense, against all the voices in my head telling me I can’t fit love into my life, I don’t have the capacity to give my all to someone else, I thought of you. I thought of how you drive the car with only one hand on the wheel, as if you’re so sure of your direction you never have to think twice. Your eyes the color of ground coffee that are so warm and so alive I’m convinced I could take a sip of your gaze if I tried. Your laughter that arrives as effortlessly as the light of dawn on rooftops, liberated and joyful. Your belief that every person in this universe has a single love of their lives. The thought that maybe that person could be me. I can’t help but hope there’s some reason the fingers of God, or the stars of the galaxy, or the vibrations of our destiny, or pure, maddening chaos drew us together like planets in orbits that were destined to cross. I never needed anybody, but sometimes the rest of my moments seem to exist solely to wait for you. I never fell in love with anybody, but sometimes my thoughts circle in orbits that imitate the shape of your eyes, the curve of your lips, the hills of your grin, driving me to a sort of madness I don’t fully comprehend yet. I never believed in having a single love of your life, but when you look into my eyes and tell me you do, I almost feel the truth of it. I almost understand why people aren’t scared to choose one person to commit to for decades, for lifetimes. There is music under your tongue and when I’m with you, I feel like I’ve lived my entire life before I met you in silence. But I shiver before the sound of symphonies, and the thought that one day you may leave me to soundlessness keeps me up on some nights when my thoughts sketch the memory of your image. The fear almost makes me want to leave, to run, to feel comfortable in avoiding abandonment, burying risk. But I don’t want to spend the decades running, because even though I’m having a difficult time admitting it to myself, I’m infinitely more frightened of letting my fear of you overcome my love of you. Truthfully, I’m not sure if I love or fear you more, what I am sure of is my decades would rejoice to be filled with you, and I am ankle deep in the very thought of you. I couldn’t pass you up if I tried.

http://inkbyaporia.tumblr.com/

Calling Out to Anyone Who Has a Story To Share

Last weekend I saw a short film screening at Seattle’s Asian American Film Festival.

The Blob’s friend had a short film showing so we went to support him. I didn’t expect to come out feeling inspired and changed forever. I cried about 3 times during the entire showing of 9 short films. I realized I wanted to tell stories just like them. I was envious…I wanted to be a part of their world.

I’m not a film student and I never will be but I’d like to eventually become a filmmaker.

And to become a filmmaker I need to become a storyteller. And to become a storyteller I need stories to tell.

Therefore, I have revamped the blog section of this site to be just “Writing”

my own, other peoples and just random thoughts. It’s not gonna be perfect. But it’s going to real.

For I find the best stories, the ones we connect to the most, are from real life.

If you find you can’t sleep at night with thoughts running through your head or have some feelings to share. Just write to me… Click the submit link

I can’t wait to hear from you

Love,
Nancy